I worry sometimes that I will never be what I really dream. Like, what I deeply dream for my psychological, core being. I have my career and family aspirations, but there is a part of me that wants to live such a basic, care-free lifestyle. I feel that my true self is uninhibited, confident, peaceful, full of love and in-touch with the world around me. I feel deeply spiritual when I am in touch with the earth, yet I am often afraid of judgement when I want to express that side of me. I want to be able to dance when I feel like it, run through the woods and hear the wind whisper to me. I want to feel dirt underneath my bare feet. I want to feel the buzz in the back of my brain that sends shivers down my body when I connect to the earth. When I feel this overwhelming sense of power beyond myself and I feel rays of energy wafting off my being.
....But I often feel so disassociated with that part of myself. I feel that I don't recognize who that person is although she's always in the back of my mind, a wispy vision of a true part of me I'm too scared to see. My heart feels too dark, too worn, and too sad. My lungs can't seem to breathe the air deeply enough to give me the energy to be where I need to be. I feel to heavy with the burdens of expectations, of school, of family, of relationships...I'm scared I'm doomed to be judged my entire life. I'm scared that I will lack the confidence and surety in myself to not care. The weight of disapproval from loved ones weigh on me. It feels like I'm always breathing in heavy, noxious gas. Even when I am light with feelings that things are okay, a subtle reminder crashes me back to earth. Is this going to be me my whole life? Am I just going to have to face that my earthly existence will be this looming cloud of depression, and that all my decisions will be marred by it?
I'm not sure if I'll ever get to where I want to be. I try to keep perspective most days. I try to continually love and serve, despite my fears and anxieties. I figure my depression IS ME right now,and I will forever be a changing person. I'm sure there will be time where love is all I feel--for people, for the earth, for the future, and most importantly, for myself...
